I Haven't Been Completely Open With You..

Dear friends, readers and curious souls,

I haven't been completely open with you about my life.  I have told you part of my story, the part that I feel comfortable sharing with the world.  My public face.  The other part of my story, who I am at the core, I have kept hidden in a sense.  I think it is time that I share at least part of this with you.

While I have had many blessings in my life, not all has been rosy and squeaky clean. I have been through some great pain, sadness, shame, and heartache.  I made it through these periods, in large part to a loving and supportive family (and our family wasn't always perfect either!). Looking back, I can pinpoint several incidents and time periods that were the most painful and sad, and that were also the most important learning experiences.  I share one of these with you here.

You see, I started doing meditation back in my late 20s as a way to cope with the extreme heartache of the ending of a relationship (an engagement to be exact).  A break-up that tore my heart in two and felt like a death to me. I was in graduate school in Athens, Georgia, living alone in a dark, small little house.  Except for my dear, sweet aunt an hour away in Atlanta, no other family or close friends were around. 

After this break-up (and calling off the wedding), I would barely eat and didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to take a shower, didn't want to cook, didn't want to watch TV. The dishes started piling up and I would listen to Nick Drake at night and cry for hours or just drink a lot of wine. I went to see a therapist who diagnosed me with "situational depression." My shattered emotions seeped into my physical body, which was broken too - with a damaged foot that I hobbled around on with crutches and then a boot for several months. My only companion was my dog, Ida, that I adopted during this lonely time.  She is one of my animal soul guides (along with my cat Isabelle who died years ago). After a number of weeks, I decided it was time to pick myself up. Like a gift from heaven, my sister had sent me the book When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron.  I would read it every night before going to bed. It was my Bible. It saved me. I learned about what was happening in my mind, and how to start noticing feelings I was having. Pema taught me to observe myself as an outsider... that I was not a broken, depressed person and that this would eventually get better.  I learned that I was simply experiencing a period of great sadness.  I couldn't see any light in my life and wondered if I would ever feel happy again, and this book gave me hope.

I knew at the time deep down that this period in Georgia was a crucial and important time. I knew I was learning, I was going through a spiritual catharsis... two years of solitude. I realized that this was happening for a reason.  I wondered if I would ever find someone I could love again.  I knew that I had a past pattern in my relationships, and that I probably feared being alone (which was why I went from relationship to relationship without much time recover in between).  

For the next year, I worked on breaking this pattern (and when my ego stepped in to resist and get back into the old pattern several times, the universe pulled me back to where I needed to be). Even though I didn't like it, I realized that something was happening to me, I was learning to be comfortable on my own, learning I didn't need to be in a relationship to be okay, and that I could be happy. (It did help that I got a reading from a psychic medium in Florida who predicted EVERYTHING that has happened since then in my life... and while I wasn't sure if I believed it at the time, it gave me hope).  I started having dreams about a person that I felt a deep connection with (even though I never saw his face).  I knew that there was something good coming, and I had to just get myself ready for this soul partner.  I moved back to Maine and got a beautiful place with a dear friend.  I decided to start enjoying my life as it was, and soon after that I met my husband Chris (it was in large part his music that drew me to him). 

So there you have it.  A bit of my story.  Of course there is more.. more about where my spiritual roots came from... from a time that, similar to that period Georgia, was about emotional pain, loss and facing death in a sense.  At my lowest point during these times, I was comforted by a power higher than myself (which I had doubted for much of my adolescence), showing me that there was something out there. And I will share those other stories with you at some point in the future when the time is right. 

In the meantime, I share this with you in the hopes that for those of you who may be experiencing times of great sadness, or loss, or pain... know that there is a way out. If you're ready for change right now, I invite you to look into an online course that I'm offering next week - it could very well start you on the path to transformation. And that there is a reason for that period. It is a time of learning, that your soul decided on before you were born.  For the goal in our lives is to evolve as a person, and it is almost always through cycles of trial, challenge and hardship that we grow, develop, learn and get one step closer to self-actualization. 

It has been my honor to share with you, and I thank you for reading.

 

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Rachel White

A spiritual counselor, intuitive coach and writer, Rachel Horton White founded Soulful Work Intuitive Consulting in January 2016 to support those searching for true purpose and fulfillment in their lives. Along with individual coaching, Rachel shares in the world a podcast of interviews with inspirational figures and guided meditations, a blog of musings, workshops with private groups and in workplaces, and interactive online courses. She taught American Government at a local community college in Portland, Maine, and was an English as a Foreign Language (EFL) teacher in Guadalajara, Mexico. With a Bachelor’s Degree in English from Wellesley College and a Master’s Degree in Public Administration from the University of Georgia, Rachel claims her true education came from studying abroad in Dakar, Senegal in college. Rachel is also an amateur dream analyzer, piano player, traveler, outdoor enthusiast, Tarot reader, yogi, writer/painter-of-sorts. Her most important and blessed roles of all came in her early 30s, as wife to an incredible man and mother, guide and pal to two energetic, bright-eyed, young children in Portland, Maine. A spiritual counselor, intuitive coach and writer, Rachel Horton White founded Soulful Work Intuitive Consulting in January 2016 to support those searching for true purpose and fulfillment in their lives. Along with individual coaching, Rachel shares in the world a podcast of interviews with inspirational figures and guided meditations, a blog of musings, workshops with private groups and in workplaces, and interactive online courses. She taught American Government at a local community college in Portland, Maine, and was an English as a Foreign Language (EFL) teacher in Guadalajara, Mexico. With a Bachelor’s Degree in English from Wellesley College and a Master’s Degree in Public Administration from the University of Georgia, Rachel claims her true education came from studying abroad in Dakar, Senegal in college. Rachel is also an amateur dream analyzer, piano player, traveler, outdoor enthusiast, Tarot reader, yogi, writer/painter-of-sorts. Her most important and blessed roles of all came in her early 30s, as wife to an incredible man and mother, guide and pal to two energetic, bright-eyed, young children in Portland, Maine.